Divorce | nobodyspecial's Blog

I've been reading stories about divorce lately. I've been hearing lots of divorce talk from others as well. It makes me sad that the divorce rate in the US. is at or near 50%

You know what makes me more sad? Hearing someone talk about their divorce like it's a badge of honor. Like that Divorce Decree is akin to a purple heart that they earned in a ferocious battle, then they move on to the next future ex-spouse and repeat the cycle.

I get the feeling, sometimes, that people find it easier to throw away an entire relationship to avoid talking to someone about some issues they have with their partner. I am guilty of this in my first marriage. She had lots of problems. I consider her a lazy, selfish, unmotivated, dream-killer, but she didn't do anything other than be herself.

Let's take a look at what I did in this relationship. I never told her I thought she was a lazy, selfish, unmotivated, dream-killer. I don't know why. I never gave her a chance to change, to make an attempt to save our relationship and our family.

So, what do I do next? Pretty much the same thing again. Different person, nearly identical situation. It's after the second one that I really had to look at myself and wonder what was wrong with me.

I decided to make a list of things that I could change about myself that will help me never to have to carry the shame of another ruined relationship;

1. Don't be afraid to talk about something that's bothering you. The earlier in the relationship you make this happen the better. Open lines of communication are key to a successful relationship.

2. Take my time choosing a partner. One of the things I know I did was find someone that wasn't compatible with me and tried to make them compatible.

3. *MOST IMPORTANT*  Figure out who I am and what I want in a relationship! It seems silly but if I was to buy a new car, the dealer would give me options and I'd know what I could and couldn't live with in a car. Why couldn't I do the same thing with my future spouse? I made a mental list of what I think makes a woman attractive and what I'd like her personality to be. Now, I'm not using this list as something to judge someone by. If I find someone that isn't list-perfect, that's just fine. It does keep me from jumping into a relationship with the first person that landed in my arms just because she was there.

I don't know if I have the right answers. I might end up being divorced again, or never find anyone and just be super lonely for the rest of my days but this list, my rules, make sense to me. I'm going to teach this to my kids. Maybe they will be the first to start changing the mess that we've all been a part of.

This Blog Entry's Comment Board (12 comments)
1-12 of 12 Comments   

Posted on 02:43PM on Feb 2nd, 2013
I get what you are saying about all the divorce talk but you know every case is different so how can we judge when we don't know the efforts of others? I think your list is good and if it makes sense to you, great! Whatever works, right?
I hope you find your someone, being more reflective of yourself will allow for someone to see how special you are!
Posted on 03:44AM on Feb 3rd, 2013
I do know there are several other reasons for a couple for separate but I'm speaking generally. I do really get the feeling that lots of people are with each other because they are convenient more than any other reason. I haven't seen many couples that I would consider truly in love. Maybe I'm just not looking in the right places.

I'll find someone when I find someone. I just hope I'm not too cynical to miss that specialness that I hope to find.
Posted on 01:02PM on May 24th, 2013
You have the right idea. After a very painful divorce from an entirely unsuitable man I made a list. First item on the list:
No recent relationship breakdowns. People need time to heal. Allow yourself that time too. Later I found a suitable man, and later still we married. We have been married now for fifteen years.
I'm sure you are right about teaching your children to think about the kind of person they want to live their lives with. None of us want to see our children go through the pain of a divorce.
Posted on 05:06PM on Jul 28th, 2013
Loved this!
Posted on 05:07PM on Jul 28th, 2013
Loved this!
Posted on 07:13PM on Jul 28th, 2013
Thank you.
Posted on 01:49PM on Aug 24th, 2013
I really like this list to bad more people don't do this especially finding themselves first, I believe relationships would last much longer if they did.
Posted on 01:49PM on Aug 24th, 2013
I really like this list to bad more people don't do this especially finding themselves first, I believe relationships would last much longer if they did.
Posted on 09:55PM on Dec 7th, 2013
Word. :) I like the idea of a list too. But the important thing is whatever works for people.
Posted on 06:23AM on Jun 26th, 2014
Smart list.
Posted on 09:18AM on Jul 5th, 2014
You are an intelligent man.
Posted on 06:40PM on Jul 6th, 2014
Whenever I see these type of proclamation lists, i just want to scream: "Don't do this to yourself! You're setting yourself up to a disappointment". This list though it kinda made sense, specially the part about speaking up about what is bothering you. I need to include that in my list too.
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