Divorce | nobodyspecial's Blog

I've been reading stories about divorce lately. I've been hearing lots of divorce talk from others as well. It makes me sad that the divorce rate in the US. is at or near 50%

You know what makes me more sad? Hearing someone talk about their divorce like it's a badge of honor. Like that Divorce Decree is akin to a purple heart that they earned in a ferocious battle, then they move on to the next future ex-spouse and repeat the cycle.

I get the feeling, sometimes, that people find it easier to throw away an entire relationship to avoid talking to someone about some issues they have with their partner. I am guilty of this in my first marriage. She had lots of problems. I consider her a lazy, selfish, unmotivated, dream-killer, but she didn't do anything other than be herself.

Let's take a look at what I did in this relationship. I never told her I thought she was a lazy, selfish, unmotivated, dream-killer. I don't know why. I never gave her a chance to change, to make an attempt to save our relationship and our family.

So, what do I do next? Pretty much the same thing again. Different person, nearly identical situation. It's after the second one that I really had to look at myself and wonder what was wrong with me.

I decided to make a list of things that I could change about myself that will help me never to have to carry the shame of another ruined relationship;

1. Don't be afraid to talk about something that's bothering you. The earlier in the relationship you make this happen the better. Open lines of communication are key to a successful relationship.

2. Take my time choosing a partner. One of the things I know I did was find someone that wasn't compatible with me and tried to make them compatible.

3. *MOST IMPORTANT*  Figure out who I am and what I want in a relationship! It seems silly but if I was to buy a new car, the dealer would give me options and I'd know what I could and couldn't live with in a car. Why couldn't I do the same thing with my future spouse? I made a mental list of what I think makes a woman attractive and what I'd like her personality to be. Now, I'm not using this list as something to judge someone by. If I find someone that isn't list-perfect, that's just fine. It does keep me from jumping into a relationship with the first person that landed in my arms just because she was there.

I don't know if I have the right answers. I might end up being divorced again, or never find anyone and just be super lonely for the rest of my days but this list, my rules, make sense to me. I'm going to teach this to my kids. Maybe they will be the first to start changing the mess that we've all been a part of.