I've been reading stories about divorce lately. I've been hearing lots of divorce talk from others as well. It makes me sad that the divorce rate in the US. is at or near 50%
You know what makes me more sad? Hearing someone talk about their divorce like it's a badge of honor. Like that Divorce Decree is akin to a purple heart that they earned in a ferocious battle, then they move on to the next future ex-spouse and repeat the cycle.
I get the feeling, sometimes, that people find it easier to throw away an entire relationship to avoid talking to someone about some issues they have with their partner. I am guilty of this in my first marriage. She had lots of problems. I consider her a lazy, selfish, unmotivated, dream-killer, but she didn't do anything other than be herself.
Let's take a look at what I did in this relationship. I never told her I thought she was a lazy, selfish, unmotivated, dream-killer. I don't know why. I never gave her a chance to change, to make an attempt to save our relationship and our family.
So, what do I do next? Pretty much the same thing again. Different person, nearly identical situation. It's after the second one that I really had to look at myself and wonder what was wrong with me.
I decided to make a list of things that I could change about myself that will help me never to have to carry the shame of another ruined relationship;
1. Don't be afraid to talk about something that's bothering you. The earlier in the relationship you make this happen the better. Open lines of communication are key to a successful relationship.
2. Take my time choosing a partner. One of the things I know I did was find someone that wasn't compatible with me and tried to make them compatible.
3. *MOST IMPORTANT* Figure out who I am and what I want in a relationship! It seems silly but if I was to buy a new car, the dealer would give me options and I'd know what I could and couldn't live with in a car. Why couldn't I do the same thing with my future spouse? I made a mental list of what I think makes a woman attractive and what I'd like her personality to be. Now, I'm not using this list as something to judge someone by. If I find someone that isn't list-perfect, that's just fine. It does keep me from jumping into a relationship with the first person that landed in my arms just because she was there.
I don't know if I have the right answers. I might end up being divorced again, or never find anyone and just be super lonely for the rest of my days but this list, my rules, make sense to me. I'm going to teach this to my kids. Maybe they will be the first to start changing the mess that we've all been a part of.
Gelukkig Nieuw Jaar, Feliz Ano Novo, Happy New Year, Bonne Année, Glückliches Neues Jahr, Kainourios Hronos, Hauoli Makahiki Hou, Selamat Tahun Baru, Sanah Jadidah, Felice Anno Nuovo, Prospero Ano Novo, Gelukkige Nuwe Jaar, Prospero Ano Novo, Yeni Yilinis Kutlu Olsun, Giang Sing Vui Ve, Bon Aña Nobo!
So it's been half a month already and I still have the craving but it has been slightly easier. I'm finding that when I have the urge to smoke, donuts help ALOT! I have been trying to avoid the sweets though but I decided it's more important for me to stop smoking than it is to lose weight. I'm finding that eating carrots and celery help almost as much the choclate iced, cream filled pastry I've come to enjoy and rely on so much. I also find it's important to keep myself busy. Yesterday I rented a tiller and got the garden ready to plant. I also bought a few more things to finish the house, which has come along quite nicely I must admit.
I feel great! My lungs are still clearing themselves of the poison I've been inhaling for so long. It's suprising how long it takes to get this tar out of my system. One recent change that almost has to be related to my smoking is I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. I can't say this is a positive change. I used to rely on the cigs to give me the second wind I often need to complete my daily chores. I know It's more important for me to stop smoking than anything almost anything else right now but I do need to figure out how to keep from getting too far behind on my to do list.
My mood: somewhat tired
So its been 10 days already. I've had a few cigarettes over the last 10 days but I've stopped beating myself up over it. I figure I've had 20 or so of these a day over the last 20 years so one or two in a week is a huge improvement. I'm still comitted to quitting and I congratulate myself on how I've been doing.
I can't beleive how much better I feel. I was running around the yard with the kids this afternoon playing tag and found that they were breathing heavily before I was. I also cut a good bit of the yard with the push mower, instead of the rider, just to see if I could. I have alot more energy than I did and I'm starting to beleive that exercising regularly will be pretty easy once this niccotine addiction starts to relax a bit.
I am also starting to think of myself as a nonsmoker. This is a huge change. I've had this relationship with cigarettes longer than any other relationship I've ever had, with the exception of blood relatives. Comparing the relationship I've had with tobacco to most of the relationships I've had with women makes alot of sense to me. They both make me feel good while I have them but once I give them up I realize I am much better off with out them.
It still sucks but it sucks much less than it did the first day.My mood: pretty hopeful
I was a fool to think that I could change my life. I had hoped that this blog was a testament to my success, instead its a testament to my failure.
I was able to break all three of my goals in a 10 minute stretch last night.
My mood: extremely cynical
Day three is a big day for me. I know if I could go more than 2 days without cigarettes I can stop for significant amount of time. The last time I stopped smoking for more than 2 days was well over 10 years ago when I had stopped for 3 months.
I noticed something yesterday. I can take a deep breath without coughing! I honestly thought I had a chest cold that was taking its time going away. Once I realized that I could breathe better I took deep breaths at random times all afternoon and evening. I'm really looking forward to having a deep belly laugh sometime soon. I used to cough everytime I would laugh really hard but as of yesterday I don't think that will happen. The sad part is I kept looking for a reason to laugh but wasn't able to find one. I really do feel alot better than I did just 3 days ago. I am amazed how quickly I can feel better from just not being around cigarettes. The craving subsided slightly yesterday when I realized how much better I could breathe.
I found myself thinking that even if I only go a couple of days stopping is good for me and thinking that I could just have one to help the craving be a bit less but I think thats the craving talking. I feel thoughts like that will just set me up for failure. I need to tell myself that this isn't for a few days this is for the rest of my life and I know if I allow myself to have one, I will smoke the entire pack and probably smoke more than what I did per day before I quit.
I went online yesterday searching for reasons to quit smoking. I found all the ones that I've heard so many times they seem cliche, they make your lungs black, second hand smoke causes cancer in non-smokers, COPD is caused mainly by cigarette smoke. All valid points but somehow just doesn't seem enough to give up the relationship with my niccotine girlfriend until I came across this fact, "There are basically two causes for erectile dysfunction, age and smoking". I read that line and was shocked! I think they should print this fact on the side of cigarette packs! Forget emphysema and low birth rates, print this on the side of a pack of marlboro reds and millions more will quit using "Smoking causes limp dick!" I don't have this problem currently. I am able to get erect at any time I want but its been a while since I used it to entertain a partner for a long night of romance. The last time I did use my manhood with a partner I was disappointed with the results but last time wasn't exactly special either. I am looking forward to finding someone special to share a romantic evening with and test the theory.
My mood: very optimistic
I wrote a story in the "I want to quit smoking" group yesterday. It helped me feel so much better about what I'm trying to do that I decided to keep writing about it in this diary.
Last night was tough. I really wanted to go out on the deck and watch the wind and rain, with a cig in my hand of course. The power of a good thunderstorm excites me. I love watching when mother nature shows off her power as long as it doesn't get too out of control. Last night I stayed inside though. I was having terrible cravings that the gum just couldn't supress and being outside without a smoke would just be too much to bear. Not having any cigarettes helped otherwise I would have definately had one. Plus taking all the kids out to the store with the thunderstorm raging would have been a really bad idea too.
I've been careful to watch what I am doing and how I am behaving during this time. I know the first week of being a non-smoker is the worst for me and I can be a bear to deal with. Short temper and bad attitude but last night and this morning I noticed myself acting so preoccupied with thinking about smoking I can't concentrate on anything else. I had my clothes in my hand meaning to take them in to the bathroom to dress after I shower, I put them down in the living room and found myself looking for them not 15 seconds after I set them down. I realized then how much of a hold these things have on me. These cigarettes are literally a major part of my life and I have to find a way to live without them. Its alot like the end of my first marriage. I didn't love her anymore and knew I needed to be without her but the adjustment to living without her anymore was alot harder than I could have ever imagined. Living without cigarettes will be harder than that. Much harder.
I think I will be writing about this somewhat often even if nobody reads it. Expressing how I'm feeling right now helps me in ways I never knew. It would be nice if it helps someone else but I'm really looking forward to the day I can read this back to myself when these stupid (lovely,darling,wonderfully awesome cigarettes that taste so good) things don't have so much control over me.
My mood: extremely frazzled
Previous PostsDivorce, posted January 5th, 2013, 9 comments
Happy New Year, posted December 31st, 2010, 1 comment
No Smoking: Day 15, posted April 25th, 2010, 1 comment
No Smoking: Day 10, posted April 18th, 2010
Day 4, posted April 11th, 2010
No Smoking: Day 3, posted April 10th, 2010
No Smoking: Day 2, posted April 9th, 2010
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